Beauty and the Beast, we all grew up watching it, but perhaps didn’t realise how very insidious it was at the time…
Belle, a woman kidnapped from her home, locked away and refused freedom and autonomy, and emotionally neglected, falls in love with her captor. Or…does she?
Today, let’s explore the Psychological theory behind trauma bonding, what it means, and which of your favourite on-screen characters may not have found the true love they thought they did…
So firstly, what exactly is a trauma bond? It’s a phrase you’ve likely heard thrown around, but might not know what it means.
A trauma bond is when an abused person, falls in love with their abuser. The person feels sympathy or false empathy for their abuser, and develops feelings for the person they THINK they know. But why does this happen you ask, surely that person must see how manipulator is…well, not necessarily, it’s a VERY complex topic.
Firstly, the abuser is likely extremely manipulative. They possibly began the relationship by love bombing. Love bombing is a tactic used by abusers to make the person feel like they are experiencing “true love” from the offset, and might include over-the-top adoration and attention, an enslouht of contact both in person or technologically, excessive gift giving or early declarations of “love”. It very much can read as the ‘Hollywood romance’ trope we so often see on screen and are told is healthy. We actually see this in the controversial movie 500 Days of Summer, with protagonist Tom idealising Summer, and pushing a relationship on to her via love bombing despite ignoring her wishes or viewing her as a full and complex individual.
Secondly, the abuser will begin to gain the persons trust. This can play out in so many different ways, but it generally involves the person beginning to feel like they are truly “seen” and “heard”, and feel like they “depend” on the abuser. This phase may also see the abuser starting to isolate the person from loved ones, friends, or family, under the guise that they are “all they need”, or that the people around them are “untrustworthy”. If these steps of manipulation sound like those of a high control group, aka a cult, you would be absolutely right! We see MANY of these tactics being used in the horror ‘Midsommer’. With trust and dependence on the cult building over the movie, Dani, a woman left extremely vulnerable by her family traumas, is easily manipulated into believing that the only people who care about her are the cult members themselves.
Then, we begin to see the criticism and pure manipulation kick in. The abuser, knowing the person is both isolated and under their spell, will begin to criticise and gaslight them. The love bombing may also continue, confusing the person, making them feel these outbursts are simply ‘blips’. It becomes a cycle of degradation and love bombing. The abuser will then begin to play the victim themselves, blaming their own traumas on their ongoing abusive behaviour. At this stage we may see the person struggling to leave the relationship, being told they are the only one who can “save” the abuser, that the abuser will harm themselves if they leave. I think Amy Dunne played by the fabulous Roseamund Pike in Gone Girl shows this experience perfectly. After being initially “love bombed” into a relationship with Nick, Ben Affleck, he over time shows his true colours as selfish, manipulative, and greedy, simply wanting her inheritance for his own gain.
These steps of abuse eventually grind a person down, leading to a feeling of resignation, and then the cycle repeats again.
If you’re thinking, that could NEVER be me, let’s discuss who is most at risk of trauma bonding, and why.
Those abused in any way in childhood may find the behaviours involved in trauma bonding completely “normal”, meaning they can be easily manipulated into the situation. Also, those with limited family support can also fall into these patterns. Nicola Kidmans character in Big Little Lies is a great example of this, a woman with limited family around her, we watch in flashbacks how her incredibly abusive husband initially love bombed her, and made her believe he was her “everything”, making her completely dependent on him to the point where she quits her beloved job.
Similarly, Autistic people, specifically those who are unaware they are Autistic, are particularly vulnerable to trauma bonding due to social challenges, and their often want to “mask” via people pleasing.
Or, those with addictions such as drugs or alcohol can often be very vulnerable and temporarily cognitively impaired, meaning they can quickly fall prey to these types of manipulations. We see this in the book and movie adaptation of The Girl on the Train, where the protagonist played by Emily Blunts alcohol addiction, makes it easier for the perpetrator to gaslight her into believing the injuries she sustained at his hands, were due to “accidents” of her own making when drunk.
But the reality is, that any of us could fall victim to traumas that render us vulnerable, and it’s these vulnerabilities which these abusers seek out to manipulate.
If you are in a relationship and are beginning to think this is all sounding all too familiar, don’t worry, you can leave this relationship, and you can recover. Firstly, please recognise that you are in an abusive relationship, and you are NOT crazy! If you can, please tell a trusted loved one what is happening, or reach out to an organisation like Womens Aid who have the most incredible support and resources. Secondly, reach out for therapeutic support. This relationship was in no way your fault, but it is going to take time to heal, and allow you to process your own traumas and vulnerabilities.
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